Today I feel depressed, lost, desperate, confused, sad, incapable. I feel tears welling up in me as the anguish becomes overwhelming. I don't know what the solution is. I've already tried everything. I don't know the way out of this dark hole.
The child in me wants to run away and not face this. In fact, I have been running away for years. I was painfully aware all this time that I was escaping. The more I put off facing this dragon, this issue of mine, the harder it became to ignore it. It's something that runs so deep in me, something I have been struggling with my entire adult life.
I'm talking about financial security, and abundance. In the past, I have always struggled with money, just getting by paying the bills. I was continually undercharging my clients for my service. I was aware it had to do with my own sense of self worth. I was also living from a scarcity mindset, believing there wasn't enough money, clients, work etc. for me out there. I did not believe in the abundance of it all.
I've been working on loving and accepting myself unconditionally for over 2 decades. Over the years, I've read countless books, done therapy, workshops and retreats. It wasn't until last year though that I finally gained a significant foothold in the self love department.
I have learned to better manage emotions, especially difficult ones. I developed a relationship with my inner child, which helped tremendously. I learned the value of trust, surrender and gratitude. It was an intense year, with many ups and downs that taught me so much.
There was one particular time when I felt like how I do today, lost, confused, sad, fearful, desperate, incapable. I was overflowing with tears, as a lost, little boy, alone, with no way out. My mind was out of ideas or potential solutions. I had no idea what to do next. I had tried everything. I had put all my heart, my energy into it and I had failed miserably in my eyes. This was rock bottom for me. What could possibly be the answer ? I didn't want to just give up, escape or kill myself.
Life gave me the answer in the form of a mantra : Trust, Listen, Breathe and Appreciate.
In fact, I was in the perfect place. I was finally ready to surrender to Life. My mind, which is incapable of guiding me, had run out of ideas and given up. I was now open to listen, truly listen for guidance and solutions coming to me through my intuition. without the mind chatter distracting me. The mind always thinks it knows what to do. It wants to control, and this leads nowhere as I found out.
I began to live and breathe this mantra. I connected deeply with my intuition. As I trusted, the fear melted away. Miracles started to happen. I was overwhelmed with deep gratitude for Life. I realized that I was finally allowing myself to be led towards my goals, without having to know the how or the when it would happen. I lived in a state of grace, joy and wonder at the magic of Life.
This state of grace continued until eventually my focus changed from what I was grateful for to what I didn't like in my life. This caused me to lose connection and stopped the flow of incredible abundance into my Life. The more grateful I am to Life, the more it brings me, the more miracles happen. It's the same with people actually. The more we are grateful for them, the more they want to contribute to our life. So I came to the important realization as to how important gratitude is in order to create the life I want.
Now 6 months later, I have finally quit traveling after over six years on the road. It had become my comfort zone, an escape from creating my dream of financial abundance. The not knowing how I was going to do that had paralyzed me. Fear of failure is everpresent. I have moved to Berlin, which I had been dreaming of for many years.
Now I am coming back to the mantra I learned last year. Trust, Listen, Breathe and Appreciate. I am letting go of these limiting beliefs that only serve to create unhappiness and depression.
I am creating a new life, fueled by a dream of an abundant life, making money doing what I love. I am listening deeply for guidance and I trust that the solution will come eventually. I don't have to know how to make it happen. I just have to take the next step in front of me. When doubt wants to creep in, I breathe deeply, let go and trust that all will be well. It will happen just as I envision. I know it now. I am grateful and can feel the joy of my dream fulfilled.
Anything is possible. I just have to act, think and feel as if it is already true.