Toxic shame is the belief that one is flawed, broken as a human being. It is the rupture of the authentic self, that necessitates a false self, making intimacy impossible.
John Bradshaw
All of us have feelings of shame. It's what makes us human. We would have to be sociopaths or psychopaths not to feel shame.
Shame is not 'I made a mistake,' but 'I am a mistake.' It comes up with thoughts like 'I can't believe I did that. What is wrong with me?' It is those things that we do, think or feel that we would rather hide from others from fear of judgement or rejection. Shames likes to hide the dark corners of our psyche. It thrives on it. It goes deep and tells us that no one would love us if they knew this about us. It is the topic that makes everyone uncomfortable.
How can we overcome shame? How can we let go of it? It is such an insidious and powerful emotion that if left alone, will control us from the depths. The best way is to bring light into the darkness. There is no easy option. We have to reveal it, share our deepest, darkest secret in a safe, loving, accepting place.
By being vulnerable, opening up to others, and disclosing our shame, we take away its power over us. In the light of love and acceptance from others, it loses its hold on us and we find freedom. It can be a life-changing moment. It requires courage because our mind tells us 'Never share this part of yourself with anyone, no matter what. No one can know.' This of course makes us feel all alone in the world. We tell ourselves that if our friends, our loved-ones really knew this about us, they would not love us. So we go on pretending, putting up that false self in front.
Authenticity, letting go of the false self, can only happen once we let go of shame through the power of vulnerability. We have to scourge out all those deep, dark corners of our psyche, our past.
A word of caution. This process must be done in a safe, loving environment, which is not always easy to find. The first time I did it was with a therapist, which is a great option. I felt sure she would throw me out of her office once I told her my secrets. I was in tears. Of course she didn't and it changed my life. Recently I opened up to a friend about some shame of mine, and it was not received well. It triggered him in a strong way. Ultimately it was a great lesson for the both of us as we talked it out, and I am grateful for it. However I will be much more careful who I share my shame with from now on.